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King Charles was diagnosed with Cancer this week. The doctor told him it was the big C and the king looked very despondent before asking whether he'll also be brining that big C of a wife of his. Yes, Harry made a stop back to the UK in order to visit his father, before presumably also going to visit King Charles. Anyway, the royal household hasn't given any details as to what type of cancer it is although it was discovered during a fairly routine prostate operation and so that's one option, bow ......

There was an acid attack in London. I remember witnessing one when I lived there, two gangs, one splashing acid, the other throwing alkali. Fortunately I chose to remain neutral.

There's an article on the BBCs news page about a community center in Yorkshire being constructed using straw stuffed panels for insulation. The headline reads "Should more British homes be built using straw" To which the answer from the wolf is a resounding yes though the 3 Little Pigs remain unconvinced.

Bad news in the art world: some environmental protestors attempted to damage the Mona Lisa, then a man died at the Tate Modern after falling from a gallery albeit in the process he left behind a new Jackson Pollock for visitors to take gruesome pictures of.

Footballer Marcus Rashford was in trouble with Manchester United after he skipped training following a 12 hour tequila drinking session. The club have said it's not acceptable behaviour and they're right, it's not acceptable to pull a sickie. And if anything, that sort of drinking was part of the training prep back when George Best played for them.

In other football news there was violence at a West Brom game. The police are currently investigating whether the coins being thrown onto the pitch constituted a takeover bid

The chair of the WWE wrestling group is under a federal investigation. I shan't go into details, google is there if you want the salacious gossip, although I'm just highly surprised that they chose to go after him for that. This is Hollywood showbiz wrestling, surely you go after him for match-fixing?

Nicola Sturgeon was on the stand being questioned about her government's actions during covid. At one point she started crying and said she "wished she had not been in charge" - Well that makes at least two of us then Nicola.

It's been several weeks since the new year which means that gymns are finally starting to empty out as people once more drop out of their new fitness regime. Personally, my favourite machine at the gymn is the vending machine.

There's not been a huge amount in the news this week although I saw a headline "Shark Swims Ashore in New Jersey" - I didn't know sharks wore jerseys, or any clothing for that matter. That joke is of course also the answer to the question, "What did Delaware"

There is however the two stories here about Israel.

The 1st of these is the ICJ's decision in the Hague to accuse Israel of Genocidal acts and it's almost a parody of itself. It doesn't actually go so far as saying that, so much as being a very legal-speak version of saying it's going to look into it and come to a decision in a few years. It's the sort of decision where you'd expect they'd want to act quickly, otherwise it's like writing a letter to your local fire station to ask them to extinguish your house. Anyway, it reminds me of the old joke about what's the difference between a politician and a lawyer? The answer being that they both lie to you but the lawyer does it slowly and in latin. This court case by the way was brought by South Africa, which is only about one national election away from its own genocide, though there is a 2nd pending case brought by Indonesia. That country however is having to go down a different legal angle, citing "policies and practices” in the occupied Palestinian territories. Hilariously enough this is because Indonesia doesn't recognise international genocide law, owing to problems in its own recent history. I believe next month the court is also ruling on the case of the pot vs the kettle.

The other Israel story this week is about the United Nations Relief and Works Agency. This is the agency that supports humanitarian work in Palestine. Wait no, as it turns out, it was actually quite involved and complicit in the Hamas attacks last October and so funding has been therefore been put on pause by half a dozen countries including the UK and Canada. Presumably the UN staff misunderstood the memo about the new uniforms and being dressed to kill. Just like how when the UN went to the Rwandan civil war, it observed a minutes silence by handing out silencers to the rebels. The UN is a joke and just a BBC panel show show it's quite dated and not very funny.

King Charles went into hospital with a prostate issue. It was meant to be kept private but there must have been a leak.

There's a story here about how AI is going to be used to prevent 3 busses turning up at once, as compared to the old method where the union prevents any busses from turning up whatsoever. I also saw a story about an electric bus catching fire in London which is probably the only time anyone's seen a London bus with the heating on it winter

Another week and some more Jeffrey Epstein names came out, it seems that Bruce Willis was amongst a list of Hollywood celebrities. Bruce Willis of course has since ben diagnosed with Alzheimers and so cannot recall a thing, how very convenient.

Confusion in Wales after the Port Talbot steelworks announced it was sacking the majority of its workers. I say "confusion" because there seems to be people arguing that the loss of thousands of jobs is good thing because steel manufacturing is "bad for the environment" and the company even put out a press release about how it was trying to save the planet when it decided to print several thousand P45s.

Looking at the BBCs coverage of it there's an infographic about how one ton of steel production produces 2 tons of CO2 although there's scant mention of how much CO2 is produced in the manufacturing of a wind turbine. Or how an electric car's battery involves digging about 250 tonnes of dirt out of the ground. Anyway, there then a hilarious quote on the BBC from an environmental campaigner who is mostly concerned that the UK will have to import steel from other countries and that those countries might not be concerned about net-zero. This of course has always been the point though: the only way any carbon footprints have gone down in Europe is by moving the factories to China or India and then hiring an accountant to sign off on it. The left can go on about wind farms and solar power all they want but global coal production hit a new record high last year and thermal coal exports surpassed 1bn metric tons for the first time in history. I sometimes wonder if Microsoft Windows has a recycling can on the desktop in order to get some kind of federal tax kickback and given the tricks and financial games involved in claiming a win, at this stage I honestly don't know why the energy industry don't just go all the way and try to just claim that coal is green energy because millions of years ago it was plant material and those plants grew using the power of the sun. Actually, I'm going to go phone a lawyer and see if I can patent that idea. Alternatively, I'm going chuck an idea out there for environmentalists, if you want to reduce the world's population, and smoking and drinking and red meat are going to kill everyone, then let's maybe abolish duty on smoking and drinking, that's an environmental policy I could raise a glass to.

A batch of More Jeffrey Epstein names was released and it included Magician David Copperfield, which maybe explains how someone got in and out of his jail cell undetected

North Korea has stated that Kim Jong Un is now 40 although I'm not sure if that means years, or stone.

An electric bus caught fire in London, it's probably the only time a London bus has had the heating on during winter.

Sven-Goran Eriksson has announced that he's got cancer and only a few months to live. I'm not sure sure if the doctor announced it by telling him he'd reached the knockout stage, but I'm imagining that Michael Owen, Wayne Rooney and the rest of that squad of players will be asked to lower the casket at the funeral, so they can let him down one more time.

There was a story in the tabloids about the last moments of the Queen's life were painless, which I guess would have been a welcomed relax from the previous 9 decades of toil and brutal hard labour.

Probably the largest story though was the developments in the Post Office computer scandal, after the government announced new laws to quickly exonerate and compensate victims. More than 900 postmasters were wrongly prosecuted between 1999 and 2015 after being falsely accused of stealing huge sums of money, with only 93 convictions so far being overturned. Innocent people went to jail, people were declared bankrupt, marriages were destroyed and several of these people committed suicide. It's worth noting that all 3 major parties were equally deeply involved in this. Labour purchased and introduced the bad software, the Conservatives and LibDems both oversaw the failings and coverup. In fact one of the more shocking aspects of it is that for all the incompetence, deceit and nefarious things going on, the SNP were't also involved and Mark Drakeford was miles away at the time. Ed Davey, the leader of the LibDems was the post office minister at the time most of this was going on and there's truly astonishing interview from a few days ago where he repeatedly weasels out of saying the word "sorry" in a manner that's reminiscent of the old Michael Howard interview, it's genuinely worth looking up if you've not seen it. He's also refused to resign as party leader, which is surprising given that demanding peoples' resignation is all the LibDems really do these days. Also of interest is the fact that it turns out the legal firm the post office hired was paying Davey £5k per month. Not so much the gravy train as the Davey train. Compare and contrast to Paula Vennells who was the Post Office CEO for 7 years and has since announced that she's returning her CBE, though hopefully she's not posting it back to the king. Anyway, as I said the government is putting forward some new post office legislation, although the government might want to be careful this time: when they passed the Stamp Act back in 1765 things went very badly wrong.

Happy new year, and if anyone else is doing dry January, I'll raise my glass of dry chardonnay to you. I was putting the Christmas decorations back in the attic when I came across a Christmas present I meant to give the kids 2 weeks ago. It's a shame, they'd have loved that puppy.

Bill Gates has got yet another scheme on the go to make life more unpleasant for everyone. This particular scheme is one in which he's going to be turning human waste into drinking water. Given his wealth, I assume that just means he's going to buy whichever brewery it is that makes Fosters

A news story about how the deputy leader of Hamas was killed in an explosion. Oh well, at least he died doing what he loved. Someone else who died here, Tom Wilkinson, star of the Full Monty or as it's now known, the 80% Monty. I was looking to see if they played the song Hot Stuff at his cremation. And there's also a headline saying that the former head of Kids Company has died. I thought Jeffrey Epstein was killed a few years ago.

Someone who was great buddies with Epstein was Prince Andrew who was in the news this week after the release of anonymous names of people who visited the island. Supposedly he and Fergie were apparently thinking of remarrying so let's see how that goes now. Although either way I'm guessing she's going to soon realise that he's only after his money. Bill Clinton was frequently referenced in the documents although it begs question of whether he should go to prison or whether it's a harsher punishment to force him to live with Hilary for the rest of his life. I was eagerly waiting him to give a vaguely sarcastic piece to camera explaining "I did not have relations with those girls, on the island" like he did in the 90s. Most curious was the mention of Professor Stephen Hawking although I'm not quite sure how that would work anyway and could the girls not copy of the old Dr Who and the Daleks idea of "going up some stairs" Say what you will about Davros, he tried to murder billions of people and conquer the universe but he has his limits and never contemplated going near Jeffrey Epstein's island. Although the same can't be said for other 1970s BBC tv personalities.

It's getting pretty cold out there, the other evening I found myself shaking more than Rudy Giuliani's accountant.

The deputy first minister of Scotland Shona Lewis apologised to the people who've had to wait too long for an ambulance. Personally, I wouldn't waste you time Shona, they're mostly dead now, thanks to you lot.

Christmas cards from the Royal Family are out, William & Kate decided to go for a vaguely tasteful black and white one, whereas Harry & Meghan went for a black & ginger one. They went for a colour photo because Black & White things are racist and oppressive and of course offered the politically correct greeting of "happy holiday season" with a reference above the photo to two of their ongoing grifts, in case anyone who's not been taken to court by them wants to transfer some money over.

There's a new Dr Who actor and the thousand or so people that still watch that wokefest are very excited that it's an LGBT actor and he's also Rwandan. This comes a few weeks after they portrayed Issac Newton as being Asian and recast Davros as being able to walk around, with the production outfit going on record as saying that they didn't to depict someone disabled portrayed as a baddie. Frankly I always thought Davros was a pretty decent aspirational role model, the guy nearly took over the galaxy on several occasions, in spite of his disabilities. As compared to the disabled people that hang around with the doctor and largely do nothing while they wait on him to do all the work and save them. I could go on but I mean at this stage this stuff largely vaguely writes itself. It's rather sad when you think about how the show used to pull in close to 11 million viewers, that's why it used to be a national institution, rather than an irrelevance. On the other hand, this new actor playing the Doctor is probably the only Rwandan likely to see any illegal aliens next year.

Merry Christmas to all. My local takeaway is doing a Christmas menu with reindeer kebabs, so I'm going to go and order a Donner. And in other Christmas news I've got one of those Amy Winehouse Christmas trees: it's going to die and leave needles all over the place. Whereas one of my friends has the Wilko Christmas tree. It's got a lot of branches missing compared to last year and the ones that are left have an awful lot of plastic junk.

There was an article out about how the obesity crisis is now costing the UK £98bn. I'm not sure if that's just the cost of the groceries, have you seen the price of chocolate lately? Personally I like to follow the government's advice of always buying food that's locally sourced. By which I mean I source my microwave meals from the corner-shop.

The home office has put out an immigration themed advent calendar, many of the doors arrive wide open and it's seemingly impossible for anyone to close them.

Prince William was in the news, selling copies of the Big Issue. I'm guessing it's to raise awareness about homelessness, although they might also just be trialing the idea for Harry if he tries to come back to live in the UK. The BBC also had an article "Prince William Shocks mum on a charity walk" - I thought his mum was dead

I was the anniversary of Pearl Harbour, when the Japanese attacked the United States back in WW2. Although I have a Japanese neighbour and the way she drives, I'm wonderring if those planes crashing were all just an accident.

The poet Benjamin Zepheniah passed away so here's a ditty I scribbled.
Benjamin Zepheniah was a poet
He was ill and did not know it
The BBC was sad to show it
They were his biggest defender
Now they need a new contender
to write about left wing stuff in all its splendour
£100 says that a One Show presenter
invites on 3 candidates who are all minorities and transgender

Better than the wokery he used to put out on Melvin Bragg's show anyway.

A lot of people died this week including global statesman Henry Kissinger, England manager Terry Venebles, billionaire investor Charlie Munger and Stick Vicky from the ITV show Benidorm. Quite the lineup there, I'm not sure if Terry Vennebles is putting together a 'pearly gates 11' but if he is then he'll disappointed not to land Gazza in that squad. There's probably a joke in there too about the game going to sudden death.

The former Chancellor Alistair Darling also passed away which raised a number of dark-coloured eyebrows at Westminster.

Then just as we flip to December, the death of Pogues singer Shane MacGowan was announced, which I heard announced after a friend said "Shane McGowan, Shane MacGoing, ShaneMacGone" The coroner said that it was a tough job trying to confirm his identity via dental records, but Shane is up there now in heaven trying to track down the tooth fairy. Supposedly the cause of death was that he saw a quote from a dentist and collapsed.

On a more serious note, the obituaries for Henry Kissinger make for some good reading, well researched and some really exquisite writing, no doubt because it's been sat as file on a hard drive since the days of Windows 98 when the newspapers employed better writers and we also generally had a better class of politician. You compare that to toady when I could imagine Keir Starmer handing out cartons of orange juice to Labour backbenchers like they were children on a school trip. In that scenario I can imagine Dianne Abbott just starting at it because it says concentrate

Personally I think the major failing of Kissinger was more that to balance the soviets he facilitated the uncontained growth of China, even long after the iron curtain came down. The 1990s should have seen a major pivot in US policy towards Asia that never happened, mostly due to apathy, but that's what lead us to the mess we have now, where companies like Disney push Woke ideas in the west, yet at the same time are happy to play along with regressive policies when they operate in Asia. I'm sure a Disney executive would compare this policy to Kissinger's idea of RealPolitik and pragmatism. Disney sees itself as more like some sort of international defence contractor style company, which makes sense in so much as it's produced more bombs recently than Lockhead Martin.

This last week in the US it was Black Friday, the day after thanksgiving, when most of the big shops and websites offer large discounts to consumers. As such it was great to see Israel and Hamas give everyone a few days off so that they and their supporters can do some Amazon shopping with 30% off regular prices, or maybe snap up an iPhone15. I'm joking of course, all the Hamas supporters I've seen on the news seem more keen to just smash in the window and steal stuff. Talking about that conflict, I'd say that the big story that seemed to be overlooked this week was when Israeli spokesperson said that they would continue to fight "Underground and Overground" implying that they've formed a deadly alliance with the Wombles.

In personal news I've got my Christmas decorations up. In the attic, where they will remain until it's actually December.

In Ireland there was a remarkable night of violence which appears to have been carried out by the invisible man. This came as a shock to me as I assumed the HG Wells character was fictional, but it seems it must have been him, as the media have been unable to ascribe a name, or race, or even a photograph of the main perpetrators, following knife violence in a park. Maybe people in the Middle East will hold a protest over the Irish violence but I somehow think not.

Oscar Pistorious is out of prison after serving his time, or at least getting parol after prison authorities say he never put a foot wrong the whole time. But anyway, he's single theses days so lock up your daughters, but just not in the downstairs of his house if it's the middle of the night. For those ladies thinking of sending him a valentines day card next year, here's a love poem for you to plagiarise. Roses are red, violets are glorious, never sneak up on Oscar Pistorius.

It was Children in Need weekend when millions tune in to watch the BBC show. As always, tuning in with particular interest, were the Metropolitan police, keen to make sure their shortlist is up to date, for which BBC stars to keep an extra close eye on. I remember when I was a kid and a policeman came into the school and gave a talk on drugs. Nobody could understand a word he said, because he was high as a kite.

Everton fans were seen wearing gloves and scarves, because it was -10 at Goodison Park this evening. That's a joke about the points deduction the team faced for breaching financial rules. Minus ten points is a lot normally it would take several weeks for them to achieve that on the pitch

David Cameron is back in Westminster after Rishi Sunak brought him back as a hail-mary attempt at appearing competent. David Cameron is of course known for dodgy Chinese business relationships, unpopular with normal voters, will alienate the grass roots membership, he's dogged by the Greensill scandal, will be unaccountable to the house of commons owing to him being in the Lords and of course will annoy all the backbench MPs, 349 of them, who by definition weren't good enough to be offered the job. His only foreign policy experience was trying to get the UK involved in a land war in Syria - that's a parliamentary vote he repeatedly lost, and then there was the Brexit vote where he comprehensively failed to persuade Brussels to offer concessions to help him win the vote, before having the referendum anyway, but promising to stay on if he won, then losing it and immediately resigning because he was too lazy or pigheaded to admit he'd been wrong on it the whole time. I say "pig" headed, there are of course a number of obscene pig jokes I could make too but my kids might be listening.

To Counter criticism, Rishi's been on the offensive and coming out with strong policy announcements almost every day. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, etc.

Talking about Europe and something to lighten the mood, there's a new Napoleon film coming out and it looks bloody awesome. Can Napoleon bring in a good box office return? Corsican

Earlier in the week I saw some protestors in London burning Israeli flags. Which was a pity given how much work the enslaved Chinese children put into manufacturing them. Oh wait, sorry, we're not supposed to criticise that particular human rights abuse, because there's money involved. There was also a protest in Scotland but the people there were too frugal to want to set fire to the newly acquired flags. I'm Scottish so I'm allowed to make that joke, like the one about how copper wire was invented when two canny Scots found a penny on the ground.

Talking about wars, it's Remembrance Sunday this weekend, I'm recording this on Saturday so I've not clue if it got interrupted by the Palestinian lot or the just stop oil brigade although it would be nice if the environmentalists sabotaged the cars of the Hamas supporters as they tried to drive into the capital. I'm also still waiting to see what the Just Stop Oil protestors response is to the carbon footprint of that war, you'd imagine they'd be all over it, an Israeli Merkava tank has a 1400 litres fuel tank and does just under 5mpg

Also in the news, Prince Harry spent more of his time hanging around with his lawyers, discussing how to go about suing more newspapers now that the supply of Netflix money has started to run dry. This time the grievance is about the Daily Mail bugging him. Although what goes around comes around, Prince Harry's been bugging people for years and don't get me started on that wife of his.

And talking about criminal activity, ITV have a crime drama out about the Yorkshire Ripper. I was watching it this week and there were some truly shocking scenes in it, like when you see cheap the cost of petrol was back then or what you could buy for a fiver. My local grocery store recently put a defibrillator up on the wall near the checkout, and I'm not surprised. If they put the cost of a dozen eggs up again they're going to need a second

Friends star Matthew Perry died and a lot of my friends were texting me poor taste jokes, and like the tv series, most of them were repeats.

The UN was in the news, in part over it's stance on Israel, but also because it also just appointed a new chair of its human rights council. The winning answer was Iran, which is like suggesting your elderly relative go get a health checkup from Harold Shipman.

There was a grisly story about a woman being horribly disabled after being hit by 2 trains on the London Underground. It's a pretty horrendous story if you read the details of what happened, although it's hardly the first time someone's lost an arm and a leg trying to buy a train ticket to London

The big story for many others, even as a distraction from the Israel stuff, was that Paul McCartney, I mean the Beatles, have a new song out, cobbled together out of some stuff John Lennon wrote in 1977. The song is called Now and Then which I 1initially thought was perhaps a sick reference to Jimmy "Now Then" Savile, 1977 was a very different time after all. As for the song, it's ok I guess, although a friend of mine thought it was a load of rubbish and told me whoever wrote it needs shooting. Personally I was surprised by it, I'd assumed that given the lineup it was going to be drum and song. That's a Beatles joke, because Ringo plays drums and Paul plays bass guitar. Oh well, I am going to most likely never listen to it again although I might go put on my copy of Rubber Soul or Abbey Road after this. For those more interested in a thorough review, you're welcome to look up the discussion on the One Show or Loose Women, which talked about the group with the sort of intellectual depth that I'd more commonly associate with Diane Abbott giving her nuanced and well informed opinions on how to solve the Middle East

Alternatively, and for a good laugh, I'd recommend music fans go look up the review in the Telegraph about the recent S Club 7 show in London. I'm always a big fan of scathing reviews and that one certainly didn't disappoint. Like that Paul McCartney cash grab.

Nicola Sturgeon passed her driving test which will come in useful now that she's no longer in power and thus can't employ someone to drive that motorhome. She passed first time although wouldn't say what score she got on it and how many minors they received. Coincidentally the same answer that Prince Andrew's office gave to a question.

A man died after setting himself on fire outside a Liverpool branch of McDonalds. In a tragic twist, the staff could have extinguished him but the McFlurry machine was broken

In Palestine news it was Jeremy Corbyn's turn to spout off about the conflict, saying that the cause will never go away, conveniently forgetting that it absolutely will, for better or worse, if Israeli's use as much force as they're threatening. It's quite strange that Labour are seemingly more certain about their position about joining Hamas than they are the EU. This week saw a bit of a pause in the fighting as some American hostages were released and a number of lorries were allowed in with much needed supplies like food, water, and rockets. I joke but there was actually a story about how Hamas constructed thousands of rockets made from pipes donated by the EU who naively bought the story that they'd be used as part of a sanitation project and absolutely not for making weapons. Let's lighten the mood: Apparently the band Dire Straits are looking for an agent to represent them on a tour of the Middle East. They should check out Qatar George, he knows all the Kurds

There's also still that other war in Ukraine though, which this week saw a strange turn in events after rumour that Vladimir Putin had died of a heart attack and that yet another coup was under way. This was denied and we can presumably assume that it was one of his many body doubles that collapsed. It's quite a strange rabbit hole to go down, if you start looking up videos on Putin's body doubles, there was a similar story about North Korea until the country ran out of enough food to keep multiple Kim Jong Uns topped up. The Ukraine setup is all rather strange though, very few definitive sources of truth about what is actually going on or who's winning, especially when you see the photos of local militias sporting nazi symbology and talk about Ukraine receiving lots of high tech equipment yet seemingly not being able to do much with it. There was a fairly shocking interview this week where it also emerged that the government has been rounding up priests and bishops and throwing them all in jail on the off-chance that they're working for the Kremlin. Wait a minute, blaming Russia for everything? I can kind of see why Hilary Clinton likes that Zelensky guy.

Slight delay this week, was waiting for that cut on my hand to heal up a bit, but I was also waiting on the BBC to respond to the news so in turn they were waiting on Hamas to hand them their latest press release. In the end they mostly seemed to focus on that massive storm Babette, although it's nowhere near as devastating as the Hamas'ive storm brewing in southern Israel.

Angela Rayner made a comment about Israel didn't exist a hundred years ago, although most of us are more concerned about whether anything will exist in a hundreds days from now. So in response, President Biden arrived in the middle east in search of some answers to questions. Questions like "Where am I" "Who am I" and "Is President Obama here yet?" Amazing really, only a few years ago the left was calling Donald Trump an anti-semite yet now the same people are out on the streets calling for a 2nd holocaust.

One curious development this week was the discussion about whether a destroyed hospital had been blown up by Israel as an act of war, by Hamas wanting to then turn around and blame Israel to justify reprisals, or maybe it was by them but as a mistake. I did find it strange that on one hand you had the Israeli government saying that they had no advance warnings that Hamas would breach the border defences and kill 1300 people, yet this week they also said they knew categorically that Hamas bombed the hospital with a followup press release along the lines of "if you don't believe us, here's a recording of them talking about it"

Let's see where things go in the next week, maybe things will get better. I remember seeing a sign in a gymn once that read "Nothing is impossible" - although it presumably wasn't put up by someone who'd try to cancel their membership and stop the direct debits.

What else happened this week? Greta Thunberg was struggling to stay in the news now that her choice of environmental protesting seems a little bit old-fashioned compared to the angry crowds in London demanding WW3. She tried to get back in the limelight by having herself arrested again but barely made the headlines although given her stance on electricity she probably wants to ban limelights anyway.

A lighter story: there's new academic paper our concluding that those who skip breakfast are more predisposed to eat fattier unhealthy food later in the day. To basically they discovered that if you don't eat for a while, you'll start to feel really hungry. That's about useful as the study I came across saying that if you're feeling cold, you should go stand in the corner where it's 90 degrees.

And finally, Michael Caine has said that he's going to retire from acting. Not a lot of people know that.

Ok so let's talk about Israel and Gaza. The war is about a week old now, sort of like that lettuce at the back of my fridge, and the news media is talking a lot about how Gaza will soon be without medicine and fuel and food. Sounds to me like he shouldn't have squandered all his football earnings. No, of course this is the Gaza Strip which now looks worse than an English town centre on a Friday night at 2am

The actual reasons behind the conflict are often portrayed as highly complex and difficult to understand but they're really not. This is less like Oceans 11 and more like Jaws 11. I also take issue with people pushing a moral equivalence, that both sides are equally bad and just as much to blame for the current situation. The Palestinians have lived there a long time but the Jews have also lived in that are since the days of Rameses II so it's just as much their land too. Plus if you look at the outcomes each side is after then they couldn't be more different. If Hamas stopped fighting, there's be peace whereas if the Israelis disarmed then within a week there would be a genocide that made Rwanda look like Disney Land.

Saying both sides are the same conjures memories of when President Trump said there were "very fine people on both sides" on that race riot although to his credit, the Middle East was a much safe place to be on his watch, Saudi Arabia even went so far as to recognise Israel as a state for the first time in 70 years. Except here we are now, thousands dead and apparently nobody in the region has any internet, so presumably Virgin Media got the contract to install it, a nice win for British Business #DespiteBrexit

The main thing I always think IS very important to do is differentiate between the Palestinians, and Hamas, which does seek a one-state solution albeit one where they are the one state and Israel has been wiped off the face of the earth in a show of fire and brimstone. As such it's interesting to note that for many years, Jerusalem actively bolstered it and fed it some support, in order to purposefully prevent a peaceful resolution or two state approach. On the other side of the coin it's not like the arabs are living it up: no Christmas, not television, no football, no beer, no hotdogs or bacon sarnies, no womens' rights or freedom of speech, not to mention being woken up every morning at 6am by some bloke wailing from the top of a tower. You can see why they're angry.

Which therefore brings us to the question of why people with those freedoms living it up at Harvard or London's Zone 1 are so uppity about it, if they're as well read as they claim to be on the situation. Personally, I think a lot of it just a social jolly, now that Ukraine has become a bit passé to talk about. Although I do find it amusing to see the people protesting about Israelis illegally taking over land, when they themselves showed up on a rubber dinghies from France a few weeks ago

A huge amount of bloodshed in Israel after an attack by Hamas led to brutal retaliation. Let's see how things unfold over the next week but like many around the world, I'm shaking my head and thinking about the tragic rise in petrol prices we're likely to see if it turns into a broader war in the region

Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac is apparently going to get her own Barbie doll. I'm guessing she must be hard up for cash if she's only just gotten around to being able to afford one.

The government is looking to pass a law that will lead to the eventual ban on cigarette sales. The announcement met largely with apathy, although it will win lots of votes from people who are involved in the UK's tobacco smuggling industry, which is valued at £6bn per year. As someone who regularly flies between the UK and America, remember to drop your preferred brand in the comments and I'll see what I can do.

Here's a classic update of a joke. A Scotsman walks into a bar, alone, because the Englishman, Welshman and Irishman are still at the world cup. A 36-14 loss yesterday, see you in 4 years I guess.

A man was arrested after trying to kidnap and murder TV presenter Holly Willoughby. Authorities have put out a press statement reminding would-be criminals that James Corden is currently in England

And finally the HS2 project was back in the news with presenters trying desperately to not describe it as a train crash. It's almost certain that it will never reach Manchester and the SNP realise the game is up and it's too expensive to expand it to Glasgow. A government spokesperson was heard broadcasting in "Euston we have a problem"

Michael Gambon died this week, and so with two dead Dumbledores, it's not looking good for Jude Law

Europe's oldest shoe has apparently been found in Spain in a bat cave. Which is odd because I assumed Batman lived in America

Google turned 25 years old this week, which means that Leonardo DiCaprio has decided to look for a new web browser

The writers strike in Hollywood has come to an and which means they can get back to the job of destroying beloved characters and rewriting the classics. The Disney share price was trading below $80 this week, that's less than half of what it was only 2 years ago. I'm not sure if anyone here went to see this year's Little Mermaid remake or Indiana Jones 5, but I'm more likely to watch a youtube video of some paint drying because then at least I could click on the button to skip the ads at the beginning.

A slightly bigger story though in California was the passing of senator Dianne Feinstein. Some say she was a great woman and others tell the truth. She was 90 years old but unfortunately she wasn't the sort of nonagenarian like Warren Buffet who's still sharp as a tack. There's numerous videos of her online struggling to remain upright, understand what's going on and slurring through word salads of nonsense in a display that makes Joe Biden look like a young Burt Lancaster. Lancaster famously starred in From Here to Eternity and I think that's where half the senators see their career going on until. I mentioned Indiana Jones earlier, well Charles Grassley was in the senate before the first original Indiana Jones had even come out in the cinema. The setup makes the UK House of Lords look like a 6th form common room. Especially because Alan Sugar's in there and a lot of school IT equipment dates from back when he was flogging Amstrad computers down at Tandy

The US is currently close to a government shutdown due to being unable to pass a finance bill although with only 99 senators now at least it won't be a tied vote. Except maybe it will be 98 because the Democrats also have senator John Fetterman of Pennsylvania who had a stroke last year, is unable to read properly and whose family recently tried to change the senate's dress code because he's unable to cope with buttons or dressing himself. The place is like Weekend at Bernies and the response from California Governor Newsom is to demand that the next California senator be a woman and also African American this time. So the public must only be given voting options that fit that criteria. Presumably he doesn't trust the voters but then I wouldn't trust the sort of people who chose to vote someone like him in as Governor. Newsom believes in free speech and if you disagree you'll be arrested. On the other hand, the UK is just as bad, like when Boris Johnson set strict criteria that to be in the house of Lords you had to lend him money and know how to decorate his flat for free.

The welsh government is going to introduce a mandatory 20mph speed limit, in response Chris Rea is release an updated version of one of his songs "Driving Home For Easter"

With all the strong winds I'm quite concerned about the caravan in my garden, because it wasn't there a few days ago.

Rupert Murdoch finally announced his retirement this week after a career lasting over 70 years. Highlights include the eradication of good UK government, the wholesale destruction of US bipartisanship, getting Sky Television to make sure there was no football or cricket on normal tv, and that time in the 80s he thought he'd bought the publishing rights to hitlers diaries. He was recently and briefly married to Jerry Hall though it makes you wonder if he thought Jerry Hall was a hall that the gerries kept those diaries in.

Russel Brand turned out to have been a bit dubious, who would have thought it? I've got neighbour whose dog acts like that, trying to get on anything that moves: it's a Jack Russel Brand. He's also facing second degree charges for crimes against comedy and acting. A number of people have come to his defence mind and said they'll stand by him, although that's largely because it's far safer than lying down. Apparently he was into swinging and £50 says that by the end of next month it will be from a tree at the end his garden by. If I were his lawyer I'd recommend calling all his accusers transphobic, that seems to get you out of trouble these days. Like how some said that that Lucy Letby was an incel. Wait, no, I misread that, she's "In a cell"

The government have announced that they are going to ban pet owners from importing Bully XL Dogs from America. If anyone's interested in getting one before the ban, I have a friend who's selling one, the advert says it loves kids, especially big juice fat ones.

Tony Blair made a statement about junk food and how it should be priced so the poor can't buy it. Making food expensive for the poor makes about as much sense as appointing someone like him a Middle East peace envoy.

This week's main news story was the slow train wreck that is Joe Biden and his son Hunter. For the last 6 years it was Donald Trump that the American left guaranteed and repeatedly failed to impeach and jail. But this week two major events happened [1] Trump's court case got pushed to 2024, possibly concluding long after next year's election [2] Biden's son will be facing a court case for illegal gun possession, illegal drug possession and a crime that the US views far more seriously, the illegal possession of lots of money he didn't pay taxes on.

Biden and cronies have spent the last 2 years prepping for him to run for a 2nd time although I know someone who was at a rally back in 2020 and Biden said on stage about he was going to be reelected to the senate, he didn't know where he was or what was going on, he clearly has significant cognitive issues and the only reason he's even in the white house is because he didn't marry Bill Clinton or Kill Epstein. There was a story a while back about him making a surprise visit to Ukraine but in all honesty a trip to the fridge would probably come as a surprise on a day to day basis. In the last month or two alone he's claimed to have spent 4 years teaching at the university of Pennsylvania which he didn't, that Russia had invaded Iraq, that there were 54 states in the union and that Nancy Pelosi had been in office during the great depression. There's a joke where Joe Biden walks into a bar and sees a young pretty lady sitting alone at a table, he walks up to her and asks "Hey there, do I come here often?"

In any normal situation he would be in a nursing home with proper medical care; this would all be deeply upsetting were it not for the fact that he and his entire family are a gang of professional grifters who all deserve to be in jail. If his supporters say that only he can save democracy then they only way that is true would be if resigned and called for an open and fair election rather than using cronies to threaten people. The Hunter Biden legal case is genuinely quite astonishing, the government set up with a plea bargain where he would be completely exonerated for not only existing, but also future prosecutions, until a judge spotted the small-print. He now faces years of actual prosecution and eye-watering legal bills, and this time he can't even pay for it all with embezzled corporate funds or money from the Chinese government, y'know the things he's on trial for doing.

Perhaps this is all just part of a grand plan though, force Joe to issue a presidential pardon for everyone and thus resign in disgrace rather than making 2024 election be one that takes place almost exclusively in court rooms. I mean in the days of the founding fathers the town court house was a centre point of the community but it's not because Ben Franklin or Thomas Jefferson were facing charges for something. At least not by the American legal system, I'm sure King George felt differently about the whole treason stuff. I mean Donald Trump maybe did some shady business deals in New York but he never took over the city by raising an army and calling finders keepers.

Maybe I should finish with a joke, but then I thought that in honour of president Biden, I forgot the punchline.